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Director: Robert Rodriguez

Writer: Kyle Ward

Stars: Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Mel Gibson, Carlos “Charlie Sheen” Estevez


Release date: October 11th, 2013

Distributor: Open Road Films

Country: USA

Running time: 108 minute


 

1½/5

Best part: The energetic performances.

Worst part: Rodriguez’ direction.

Every so often, big-name directors churn out critically and commercially panned movies, and, because they are stuck in the spotlight, they become ridiculed beyond belief. It may not be fair, but it’s inevitable. It proves that even Hollywood’s greatest figures make mistakes. However, I wish to point out a much worse scenario – when an auteur all but gives up on their grand vision. Mexican director Robert Rodriguez (Desperado, From Dusk till Dawn) has fallen into this trap. Judging by his latest action flick, Machete Kills, this director should go back to the drawing board. It has it’s moments, but, sadly, that’s the highest praise I can give it. Unfortunately, this zany homage becomes a schizophrenic miasma of stereotypes, actors collecting pay-checks, and dull sub-plots.

Danny Trejo & Michelle Rodriguez.

Rodriguez’ abhorrent laziness and lack of subtlety stand out in Machete Kills. There are not enough words to describe how schlocky, bland, and convoluted this exploitation flick becomes during its exhaustive 108 minute run-time. Bafflingly, describing this uninspired action flick’s plot requires a lot of energy and patience. Left for dead after a drug bust gone horribly wrong, leading to Sartana Rivera(Jessica Alba)’s murder, Machete (Danny Trejo) must reel from his lover’s death whilst being threatened by Sheriff Doakes (William Sadler). Thankfully, during his execution, he is summoned by US President Rathcock (Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen) to save the USA and Mexico. Teamed up with feisty beauty queen and informant Blanca Vasquez (Amber Heard) and one-eyed senorita Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), Machete tracks down wanted revolutionary Marcos Mendez (Demian Bichir) before he can obliterate Washington DC. However, Mendez’ abduction doesn’t bode well for Mexico’s future. Mendez hurriedly places a $10 million bounty on himself to be saved from his tough-as-nails captor. This sets off a chain reaction, as brothel owner Madame Desdemona (Sofia Vergara), arms dealer Luther Voz (Mel Gibson), and infamous assassin El Camaleon (Lady Gaga, Cuba Gooding jr., Antonio Banderas, Walton Goggins) poke their heads out from the Mexican desert to track down the mysterious anti-hero and his personality-shifting captee. Machete, considered a legendary badass and skilled lover, could use his remarkable talents to decapitate pure evil itself!

Carlos “Charlie Sheen” Estevez.

Honestly, despite researching this inferior sequel’s numerous arcs and twists, I can’t seem to recall anything about this movie. Rodriguez, convinced he is Mexico’s greatest visionary director, is now playing a one note banjo. This talented yet misguided filmmaker has underwhelmed since his debut feature El Mariachi took the low-budget film-making world by storm. That $7,000 gem placed one man in a frightening situation and pushed him to the edge. Machete Kills, with a budget probably 10 000x that of his first movie, should have relished in its opportunities to enthral filmgoers. Sadly, Rodriguez’ style and attention to detail have steadily declined in quality. Despite Sin City‘s understated success, movies like Spy Kids and Planet Terror failed to impress despite their overwhelming potential. Despite his Mexi-can-do attitude, Rodriguez’ talents are sorely wasted on Machete Kills. Though the original wasn’t exactly high art, it contained the grit and guts needed for this type of nostalgic romp. With Machete spawning from a fake trailer featured in 2007’s Grindhouse flop, Rodriguez’ senseless pride, bloated ego, and misguided optimism have proven costly. With its poor box-office receipts, the Machete series can assuredly be labelled the ‘headless chicken’ of franchises (not too dissimilar to the headless beings scattered throughout Rodriguez’ previous efforts). Surprisingly, Rodriguez had the audacity and guile to credit screenwriter Kyle Ward. Machete Kills, planting an array of exploitation-fantasy tropes into its confused narrative, lacks the punchy dialogue and unique characters Quentin Tarantino can craft from scratch. Jumping from Tex-Mex action flick to sci-fi extravaganza, Rodriguez’ ambitiousness flails as this ode to 70s exploitation cinema fizzles out before the half-way point. His purposefully derivative direction is, in itself, ageing dreadfully. With Rodriguez’s reach exceeding his grasp, Machete Kills proves that Rodriguez’ mid-life crisis is now becoming tiresome.

“I just gotta say that you are one genuine article, Genghis Khan, high-caliber, f*cker-people-upper.” (Voz (Mel Gibson), Machete Kills).

Sofia Vergara.

Rodriguez’ wink-and-nudge visual style, still as pulpy and outrageous as it was in the 90s, rages throughout Machete Kills. Stuck in Tarantino’s shadow, Rodriguez can’t help himself when it comes to filling every frame with gratuitous and wacky imagery. Kicking off Machete Kills with a goofy trailer for the threequel, Machete Kills Again…in Space, he douses the camera in elaborate costumes and unconvincing CGI. Despite the gag casting of Justin Bieber and Leonardo DiCaprio in the fake trailer, it proves the Machete character shouldn’t have left that 2-3 minute marketing realm. Replicating the kooky and laughable visuals reminiscent of direct-to-DVD and 60s sci-fi action flicks, Rodriguez’ kitsch aesthetic has become alarmingly discomforting. Here, the CGI backgrounds, blood splatters, and muzzle flashes overshadow the enjoyable and exhaustive action sequences. Despite consistently delivering his movies on time and under-budget (admittedly, a commendable feat), his style lacks the dynamic punch, satirical edge, and necessary thrills that could’ve made Machete Kills a bonafide hit. Here, tacky settings and cheap practical effects highlight Machete Kills‘ datedness. Fortunately, the bevy of B/C-list actors and Hollywood’s most deplorable celebrities lift the audience’s spirits. Clearly, these actors know more about B-movies than Rodriguez thinks he does. Trejo, a direct-to-DVD king himself, is a wondrous and engaging screen presence. Growling and slashing in every scene, he elevates several sorely unimaginative set-pieces. The titular legendary figure becomes a Mexican Roger-Moore-James-Bond-esque hero. Meanwhile, Vergara, Estevez, Gibson and Heard deliver sumptuous turns in underwhelming roles. Also, in Machete Kills‘ least interesting subplot, the El Camaleon becomes a breeding ground of unique celebrities and outrageous performances.

Unfortunately, Machete Kills‘ few shining moments become bursts of oxygen escaping a overwhelmingly toxic environment. Rodriguez’ penchant for making terrible movies on purpose has turned him into an obsessive and alienating director. Someone should tell Hollywood this ’emperor’ has no clothes.

Verdict: A clumsy and pointless hack-and-slash flick.

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